Bachelor parties are the last hurrah for the groom-to-be. It’s a time for a bunch of dudes to get together, get ridiculously drunk, throw around some money, and give in to the most debase, immoral activities the male mind can conjure up. The last thing any guy wants to think about when he’s about to let loose is rules, but if you want the final send-off to live on forever, we have a few do’s and don’ts that’ll ensure an award-winning sh*tshow.
The Don’ts:
Don’t invite your fiance or any of her family members
At what point do I need to explain why? Do you really want your fiance’s father or weird brother tagging along with you as you make some very questionable decisions all night. Instead of being dragged on the stage of a strip club to have whip cream licked off your nipples, you will be stuck playing cards in the house all night just waiting for your bachelorhood to be removed from you the next day. Just keep the family members far away. If anything, have a separate bachelor party that includes them. Do something lame just to give them no reason to dog you out to the bride-to-be.
Do Not Expect To Collect Money at the Door
Every group of friends has those dudes that love to “get you back”. There are the friends that always end up footing the bill in the end due to lack of friends giving a crap. So if you need to collect money for the strippers from everyone and hate to be stiffed, get it done the day or week before. Also, dangle the phrase, “the amount of money correlates to the quality of the stripper.” Now watch the money start to flow your way.
Do Not Bring a Donkey
We should all be well aware that bringing any animal with four legs to a party is a bad idea. They are hard to move, smell bad, and most importantly, are a huge cock block. Believe it or not, strippers do not like donkey’s! It might sound funny at the time but trust me, it is a terrible idea.
Do Not Get Group Tattoos
If you have been in a group of dudes that decided to all get the same tattoo then you should stop reading because I am about to make fun of you. Of all the things a dude can do, getting a tattoo that matches his buddies, unless it has to do with military, is the one thing that will get you banned from many straight clubs and even some gay clubs. It is borderline having to hand in your “man card”. If you give that thing back, you mine as well chop off your nuts and call it a year.
Do Not Go To Vegas
Following the hit comedy of 2009, The Hangover, how could anyone still want to go to Vegas for a bachelor party? It has problems written all over it. There are so many temptations in the tiny city of lights, almost no one makes it out unscathed. This might look good on paper but once you hit the strip, all plans go out the window. I think Mike Tyson said it best, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Vegas is the punch in the face!
Do Not Call or Text Any Females
This is another self-explanatory idea you should have already figured out. If you want to have a great bachelor party, having contact with women, unless they are strippers, is something you should never attempt. Have you ever drunk dialed? What if you were at a party with naked strippers, all your friends drinking, and a man about to get married? Nothing good can come from a drunk text to a female because no matter how many times you try to say, “I want you baby.” They will always end up hearing, “These chicks make me so horny, I have to have sex with something.” That makes them TALK to other females about what might be going on at the party so turn the phone off or have self-control.
Do Not Do Any Activities You Normally Do With Your Friends
Before you blast me for saying what I am about to say, remember one thing, do you want the last night of freedom spent doing something with your buddies that you will surely be doing for the next 45 years of marriage? Probably not, right? So do not make a bachelor party about poker, sporting events, or paintball. Yes, paintball. A true bachelor party invites the groom to do as much crazy sh*t as he can before he is taken to the dark side so make it worth his while.
Do Not Take ANY Pictures or TALK about it ever!
If you go to a bachelor party and the first thing you do when you get back home is tell your wife or girlfriend about it, you are a d*ck!
If you think it is funny to send a picture of the strippers doing the dougie on the groom, you are a bigger d*ck!
If your idea of fun is destroying your friend’s life than you are a douche nozzle and should be removed from any future invite lists on Facebook. Just keep the party private, like it is supposed to be, and do not mention it to anyone, ever. Trust me, the women already know what goes on at bachelor parties, they just want you to say them out loud. It is a trap and you should do anything to avoid it.
The Do’s:
Bring a Monkey
I began writing in the monkey as a joke but after thinking about it, this would be a great idea. Especially if it is a spider monkey. Those things are just too much fun not to have around. You can bring them along for the entire evening. The women you run into all night will think he is adorable. You are already getting bonus points for being at a bachelor party but once the women notice the monkey…lock it up. Now this advice might not be the best for the groom to use. However, everyone else should consider the experience.
Make Sure the Groom Wants to Go to a Strip Club
I have talked about strip clubs so many times that many of you are assuming I expect every single bachelor party to wind up in one. This is not true. I would expect the majority of them to end up in a place with naked females but not all of them. That is mainly because some grooms just do not want any part of the strippers. They want nothing to do with being teased all night long by a woman with a price tag and that is ok. In fact, if the groom would rather do something else, it is fine but make damn well sure he understands fully what he is getting himself into. Make sure he understands the severity of his decision. As long as he is FULLY aware of the choice, it should be fine with everyone in attendance, which will not be many.
Include Alcohol
I was hesitant to include the obvious but I felt some people needed to see it for themselves. So, to sum up, BRING ALCOHOL! Unless you are at a Mormon bachelor party. In that case, bring a map so you can find an escape out of there as fast as possible.
Photo by Simon Winnall, Taxi
Bring Extra Clothing for the Groom
The one thing most people forget to worry about on the night of a bachelor party is extra clothing for the groom. I will avoid getting into too many details for this next part because, frankly, a lot of women might be reading this and as a man I am obligated to refrain from speaking about why they would need a change of clothing because females do not have code word clearance. The point? Make sure someone brings the groom some extra attire in case it will be needed. If you attend a bachelor party in my neck of the woods, you will always need to bring some extra clothing.
Photo by Alex James, Photographic Photonica
Keep an eye on the Groom
Seriously? YES! Do not lose the groom on the night of his bachelor party. He is the one person everyone at the party needs to keep an eye on. Everyone needs to make sure he is in view at all times. Keep this in mind, on the night of a bachelor party, everyone is the groom’s wingman.
Have it in a place where you won’t “bump into” the bride
For the most part, on the same night of a bachelor party, the bride to be is having a similar event somewhere across town. She might even be having this party at your house. Who knows? So the last thing you want to do is bring the party to the same area let alone the same place. Imagine a great party, at a strip club for example, and everyone decides it is time to head somewhere else. By now, at least two of the guys in attendance have convinced a few strippers to tag along so what would happen if your group is walking into a bar with a few hot strippers and BOOM! There is the bride to be sitting there peacefully having a few drinks with some of her bridesmaids? I do not think I need to explain what could happen in this scenario but there is little chance it ends well.
MAKE IT EPIC
This is the last time your friend will be legally a single man. You must make sure this guy gets the VIP treatment by making it epic. Anything should go (except the don’ts… but call us if you do attempt those)!
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