Wednesday, August 29, 2012

6 Insane Roads You Won't Believe People Actually Drive On

In the name of making all of us appreciate what we have in life, we have in the past looked at some of the most terrifying commutes in the world, proving that none of nature's obstacles can keep man from going where he wants to go. For further (even more insane) evidence, you only need to look at where we've chosen to build our highways, oblivious to all obstacles, elements and mortal danger.

#6. Lena Highway Eats Your Car and Casts You into a Hopeless Dystopia

It carries the loving nickname "Highway from Hell," and when travelers say they're "neck-deep in mud," they're just trying to give an accurate measurement:
"Hon, would you mind getting out and giving us a push?"
And in fact ...
... they might be making an understatement.
That nightmare is in the Yakutia region of Russia and was built in the '50s when it became essential to connect the capital of the region, Yakutsk, to the Trans-Siberian Railway. This posed some difficulty, as the nearest train station was almost 800 miles away. Normally this would have been solved with a brand new highway, but as the Yakutia region is the absolute backwater of Siberia, it was not too high on the Soviet government's give-a-damn list. So they just mowed a half-assed dirt road next to a local river, named it the M56 Lena Highway, placed it on the list of actual federal highways and had the rest of the day off.
The thing about all the mud is -- wait, is that guy wearing pants?
During winter, this works just fine. Yakutsk is the coldest town on earth, with January temperatures averaging around -40 degrees, and the rest of the area isn't much better. Such temperatures seal up and harden the dirt into a very neat, tarmac-like structure that drivers can cruise over at a relatively cool 45 mph.
The problem is that the highway is also used during summer, when temperatures can reach up to 90 degrees and rainfall is abundant. And the river that runs alongside the road is extremely prone to flooding. And this isn't some remote roadway -- every summer, hundreds upon hundreds of vehicles venture the road (because, you know, there are no alternatives), only to get stuck in traffic jams that continue for days on end.
"OK, so who are we eating first?"
In deepest Siberia.
With all the cars slowly sinking.
It is not uncommon for an unassuming joyride to turn into a full-blown movie-worthy survival situation. Hunger runs rampant and fights break out easily. People have been known to break into other travelers' cars in search of food and shelter. One woman freaking gave birth on the bus she was on, since it was stuck in the mud and no ambulance driver was willing to try and reach her.
Which only supports our crusade to convert all ambulances into monster trucks.
That doesn't mean that Russian ambulance crews are pussies, by the way. Rescue crews tend to never show up on the highway because if they do, the stranded people beat the living shit out of them in frustration.

#5. Winston Churchill Avenue Cuts Through an Airport

What's the worst intersection you know? The Cross Bronx? The one in your nightmares, filled with drunk, Hummer-driving clowns? Well, nothing your imagination can conjure holds a candle to Winston Churchill Avenue, where the vehicle screaming at you from the left weighs more than a dozen semis ... and may very well have freaking missiles.
"Nice turn signal, asshole!"
Because it's a plane. Because you're driving across an active airport runway.
"Man, if he takes that empty parking space, I'm going to be so pissed."
Gibraltar is a hunk of rock in southernmost Spain that, for a variety of historical reasons, belongs to Great Britain. To add insult to injury, this tea-and-crumpets-munching boil on the Spanish ass built an airport on the heavily disputed isthmus area between Gibraltar and mainland Spain during World War II. The airport, used by civilian and military planes alike, took up pretty much every inch of flat land they had. This left no place for the road out.
Well, no sane place. Because they totally built the damn road anyway -- and it goes straight through the runway.
"Oh, hey, just drop me off here at the intersection. It'll save me the walk."
This is the only road connecting them to Spain. Thus, Winston Churchill Avenue is Gibraltar's busiest road by far, and you absolutely cannot avoid driving among goddamn jumbo jets if you want to enter or exit the area ... which must be particularly nice for the multitude of people who have regular dealings with the other side of the border.
The whole disaster movie waiting to happen is held together by a traffic light system of sorts: Every time an aircraft lands, they just close the road for about 10 minutes. Naturally, this leads to giant, road rage instigating traffic jams. The fact that the downtown area is only a third of a mile from the airport doesn't help much.
"They're not going to let you merge if you just sit there. Just go."
But hey, what can they do? It's a tiny speck of land, with no room for a better solution.
Except, of course, the most obvious one. If you've been screaming "Just build a tunnel, goddamnit!" for the duration of this entry, well, they are, now. It only took 70 years to get around to it.

#4. Guoliang Tunnel Is a Homemade Deathtrap

You see those dots in the side of that mountain there?
The ones that make it look like a fucking perforated notebook?
You are looking at a tunnel, one carved by the residents of the remote Chinese mountain village of Guoliang. Yes, cars drive in it. And yes, it has to be one of the most terrifying do-it-yourself projects in history.
It doesn't help that it looks like a row of glory holes for rock golems.
Honestly, every picture we see kind of makes it worse:
If God set up human traps, there would be a naked model and some money under there.
Still, it's better than it was. In 1971, their village of 300 people was only accessible by an incredibly difficult mountain path featuring the "Sky Ladder," which was just a set of stairs up the side of the mountain without any railings or safety features whatsoever.
It was like a test of manhood -- one that you had to take every time you went into town, and regardless of your gender.
Understandably, the people of Guoliang were sick of doing the Indiana Jones shuffle every time they felt like visiting civilization. The government, however, didn't hide their lack of enthusiasm for solving this dilemma. So, in 1972, after having the government refuse yet another request to blast out a roadway for them, 13 villagers set off into the mountains to tunnel their own damn road.
Only instead of explosives they used hammers, and instead of careful planning they used the subliminal whispers of the Car Accident Gods.
"If they ever have a 'bad idea' arms race, we're totally going to win."
Six years, a bunch of fatalities and no doubt some very inventive swearing later, Guoliang had a mile-long tunnel that finally allowed cars and other modern things into their world. The only problem was, said tunnel was built by people whose only concept of road safety came from that death-defying stairway they'd been using all their lives. The tunnel was all jutting angles and death-turns.
It was ridiculously narrow, barely allowing two cars to go past each other. Its open side was a mess of randomly alternating giant stone pillars (to better crush your car with) and open, unfenced spaces (to better send you screaming to the abyss below). So when the road opened in 1977, it took it roughly 0.5 seconds to gain the nickname "The Road That Does Not Tolerate Any Mistakes."
"Or really any kind of traffic at all."
Half-assed attempts to improve the tunnel's safety have been made, but seeing as this is still a very distant area of China, and as the tunnel has been gaining some repute among tourists precisely because it's so ridiculously unsafe, the authorities aren't exactly rushing to turn it into something approaching sensible.

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For Him: Signs You Laid The Pipe RIGHT!

Reading a woman’s thoughts and emotions can be quite difficult especially during sex, but there are a few physical and verbal signs that will be great indicators that you are putting in good work and pleasing her right. Some of the signs you may already know, but others maybe new to you.  Either way, if you observe any of these reactions in the list, you ARE King dingaling…or daddy as some prefer lol.
  • She gets the leg shakes
  • After you’re done, she curls up into a fetal position
  • During sex you repeatedly shouts the name of Jesus or says OMG multiple times in a row
  •  she tells you not to stop
  •  her eyes roll in the back of her head
  •  she digs her nails in your back
  •  she throws it back
  •  you hear the the words, Sh*t, F*ck or Yeah while you’re stroking
  •  she is still coming after you’ve pulled out
  •  she feels phantom dick at random moments when you’re not together
  •  Her Vaginal walls tighten while you’re inside
  • If she texts you a few days later with a “HI :-) ” That means she wants some more PIPE!
  • She can’t stand up straight
  • She loses her hearing
  • She walks like a cowboy for about three days
  • She grabs the sheets on the bed
  • She creates a puddle in the bed that soaks through your sheets
  • Her toes curl
  • She lays still for a few seconds right after she cums like she is paralyzed
  • She gets up to fix you something to eat and drink
  • She compliments you
  • She sucks air in between her teeth before moaning
  • After you’re done, She can’t speak but only shakes her head to say “yes” or “no” when you try to speak to her
  • Her moans become high pitched
  • She calls out your name
  • She gets goosebumps
  • She uses the grip of death on your head between her thighs when you give her head
  • She has to cover her mouth because she’s moaning too loud
  • She starts to stutter while you’re hitting it
  • She grabs the back of your head while you’re licking her clitoris
  • She starts running from the D…hitting that spot sometimes feels too good to handle
  • Her breaths become short
If your partner displays one or more of these reactions, then you are a MASTER Lover…just make sure you wrap it up and don’t give the long stroke to too many women..because you sir will have stalkers!

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For Him: Signs You’re NOT Hitting It Right

Alright, so you’re completely smashing this FINE ASS chick going hard Pound for Pound with sweat dripping off of your brow and you figure, “yea I’m beating this up right!” Sorry to say, but all of that gyration and sweating sometimes gets you nowhere when it comes to completely stimulating your partner. There are times when you may think you’re doing a good job, but in reality you are failing MISERABLY.  Just as there are signs that you’re laying the pipe right, there are signs that you hitting her walls all WRONG.  Below is a list of signs that, if you pay attention to them, will give you enough time to pull out and opt for another approach. Just make sure you recognize the signs before you hit that point of no return where she gives you an “F” on your Sex Score card.
While you’re stroking, she jumps suddenly like she just shocked by a jolt of electricity
She says absolutely nothing
She just lies there with no movement or effort
When you’re hitting it from the back, her back arches up like a cat
she says OUCH
She has the WTF look on her face
She tells you to switch it up at least 4 times because the positions are “awkward”
She smacks her lips
she has a scowl on her face (or a frown)
She rolls her eyes
She texts, tweets or searches facebook in the middle of the session
She yawns
She jumps up immediately to put on her clothes to leave
You hear a buzzing sound from the bathroom ( that’s a clue that she is using her vibrator)
Every time you hit her up to smash, she says she’s on her period
When you text her a few days later, all of her responses are short or abbreviated (ex you: Good Morning Beautiful Her:GM )
She has no amount of sweat on her body
She goes to the kitchen to make HERSELF something to eat
She rolls over and reads a book or starts surfing channels on the TV
She gets up to go and work out (obviously you didn’t work her out enough)

Some of you may be used to putting it on a woman right, but there are quite a few that need to admit to themselves that they need a bit of work. There is always room for improvement, so if you are unsure of your skills, just ask your partner her opinion. It’s better to know than to go around with a false sense of security.

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Sex Position Of The Week: Bed Spread

Comfort, submission and a defiance of gravity is what comes with this week’s sex position. It is one that will be extremely enjoyable for those that love rear entry positions and for those that love to experience deep penetration. This week’s position is called “Bed Spread” and it requires for the receiver to have her legs suspended off of the edge of the bed. Getting into this position is simple and the benefits are plenty.
Benefits of this position:
  • Giver has control of movement and penetration
  • Deep penetration for both partners
  • Comfort for the receiving partner
  • Great view of the lady lump for the giver (aka the booty for those that may not get the metaphor)
  • The giver can watch himself slide in and out of his partner
Getting into position is easy and can be achieved while switching out of a previous position. Follow the directions below and get it in!
**Always remember to practice safer sex by using condoms. Know your STD status by logging onto to find a testing clinic near you***
(for the male perspective)
  1. Have your partner lay on her stomach on the edge of the bed with her breasts flat to the bed and her feet hanging off the edge onto the floor. Her arms should be stretched out in front of her or bent at the elbows slightly to be brought right by the sides of her breasts with her forearms flat on the bed.
  2. Move in close to your partner and grab her legs to part them. As you part them, move in close to her pelvis to enter her. Make sure you bend your knees slightly to be able to sustain her weight and to avoid a cut off of blood circulation to your legs.
  3. Make sure you sustain her weight by holding on to her thighs..if you really want to get deeper, pull yourself closer to her by holding on to her hips. You will have more control to thrust harder and your partner will be able to withstand the thrusts by holding onto the sheets of the bed.
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The Worst Possible Time to Get An Erection

By: Cracked Readers

There are right and wrong times for everything. This is arguably more true for erections than anything else in the world.
We asked you to Photoshop us the worst possible times to get an erection. The winner is below, but first the runners up.
























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